


Man in the Mirror

by neildylandy



Category: Gundam 00
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:41:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27263644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neildylandy/pseuds/neildylandy
Summary: Self-reflection, in all its many forms.For Allelujah Haptism, it's always been a blessing and a curse.
Relationships: Allelujah Haptism & Hallelujah Haptism
Comments: 3
Kudos: 17





	Man in the Mirror

**Author's Note:**

> i'd like to thank cam @tieriaerde for signing the terrible lease that allowed all the gundam meisters to live in my head rent-free

"Allelujah Haptism. You've been selected as the Meister for the Gundam Kyrios," he's told one day, as he's given a pilot suit and a helmet. "Celestial Being is putting a great deal of trust in you. I suggest you prove yourself worthy of it."

The tall one grimaces behind the shorter one and steps forward. "Don't worry about Tieria. Gave me the same speech when I got in," he says, with an impossibly easygoing shrug. He holds out a hand while the other one—Tieria, apparently—glares at him. "Lockon Stratos. I pilot Dynames."

Allelujah carefully takes Lockon's hand. Lockon shakes it with a rock-solid grip that has him shoving down the urge to snatch it back. "Allelujah Haptism," he replies. Too late, he remembers that Tieria _just_ said his name, and he tries to force down a blush. "...Nice to meet you."

Tieria narrows his eyes and floats out of the room without another word. Lockon gives him a sympathetic smile before he does the same. Allelujah doesn't know which is worse.

He turns to face the window that makes up an entire wall of this little room, because it's better than following them like the idiot they must already think he is. Through the glass, he can see sharp metal, giant engines, deadly weapons. He can see a face and a body that almost looks _human,_ painted the same shade of orange as his new helmet. A thought sticks in his head, even though he can't really make sense of it. _It looks like me. Kyrios looks like me._

His eyes unfocus. All he sees now is himself, mirrored by the glass. His reflection smirks at him.

"Don't kid yourself. That _thing's_ a lot stronger than you'll ever be, _Allelujah Haptism,_ " the mirror taunts. "You want to know what thought's been sticking in _my_ head?"

Allelujah looks himself in the eyes. He keeps quiet, just in case someone else from Celestial Being is nearby—what happens between him and Hallelujah is something he plans on keeping as private as possible.

Hallelujah rolls his eyes, reading his thoughts. "Fine, be that way," he mutters. "What stuck out to _me_ was the way that rude little bastard talked. 'Prove yourself _worthy.'_ And did you see the way the big one looked when he called himself a pilot?" 

"...Their names are Tieria and Lockon," Allelujah mutters rebelliously.

Hallelujah ignores him. "They're _proud_ of this. They're proud of their tools of war. Sure, they _say_ the Gundams were built to _eliminate_ war, but when they're playing with toys like these..." His grin gets wider. "Hey, Allelujah! I'm starting to think we've finally found people just as messed up as we are!"

Allelujah forces his gaze away from the window, and everything in it and beyond it. He holds his new uniform tightly to his chest. " _No one_ should be as messed up as we are," he promises, quiet and steady. _Like Kyrios's engines._ "Isn't that why I'm _here?_ Isn't that why I joined Celestial Being?"

With no reflection, there's no response. 

Allelujah sighs, resisting the urge to look through the window one more time before he leaves. He'll probably be seeing a lot more of Kyrios in the coming days.

After all, he's a Gundam Meister now.

—

Piloting a Gundam is _so much_ more difficult than it looks.

They relocated to a deserted island base at some point, with Miss Sumeragi saying something about how flight tests in space would be more easily noticed than flight tests in the middle of the ocean. Allelujah's discovered that they clearly had nothing to worry about. He can barely manage to remember how to _walk._

He hits the wrong combination of buttons and levers, _again,_ and Kyrios stumbles, _again,_ and Lockon effortlessly catches him with Dynames, _again._ Tieria hasn't said anything, but Allelujah can _feel_ him glaring.

"Hey, alright!" Lockon says, trying and _completely failing_ to sound encouraging. "Almost got a dozen steps in this time. That's a new record."

"I appreciate your input, Lockon Stratos," Allelujah manages through clenched teeth. "Please be quiet so I can concentrate." _It's not his fault,_ he reminds himself, trying to stay calm. _He's trying to be nice. Unlike some people._

"You shouldn't _need_ to concentrate on this by now," Tieria adds with disgust. _Speak of the devil._ "Veda provided you with all the necessary documentation for Kyrios _two_ _weeks_ ago."

Allelujah bites his lip hard enough to taste blood. He hates Tieria's words almost as much as he hates that they're _right._ Both of them are doing just fine flying around in _their_ multi-ton Mobile Suits. What's wrong with _him?_

"Ugh. If you're going to be _this_ whiny about it, just let me take over."

Allelujah's eyes snap to the reflected image in Kyrios's cockpit. Carefully, he turns off his communications uplink, glad that he's at least figured _that_ out. "I can do this myself, Hallelujah. I _need_ to be able to do this myself."

"Of course you do," Hallelujah agrees, sneering. "Hell if I'm going to pilot for you every time you get in here. _I'm_ not _Celestial Being's Gundam Meister._ "

Allelujah blinks, wrong-footed by Hallelujah _agreeing_ with him. "So why are you helping me at all, then?"

"I'm the one with the Super Soldier brain training, which means _I've_ been forced to memorize the little Gundam manual you read," he grumbles. "Might as well do _something_ with all this information. But _only_ until you get used to the muscle memory."

There's more to this, and they both know it. "...And?"

" _...And_ if I hear one more comment from _Tieria Erde_ that you're not worthy of being a Gundam Meister, I'm going to slit his pretty little throat," Hallelujah begrudgingly admits. "Which would probably mean that I wouldn't ever get to use all the weapons this thing has." He looks at Allelujah pleadingly. "It's got a _claw._ "

Allelujah hesitates. "Promise me you won't hurt anyone."

"I _promise,_ " Hallelujah spits out. "Now let me at it."

Allelujah lets him at it. 

For the first few moments, he tries to focus on the order of the levers Hallelujah's pulling, what makes Kyrios walk and run and fly. When he can't keep up with that, he focuses instead on positions, trying to speed up that muscle memory that Hallelujah promised he'd have when he was done. That certainly works out _better,_ but...

Allelujah has to admit he's distracted. Kyrios can't just fly, it can fly _fast._

The clouds are whipping by so quickly that Allelujah can't even make them out as anything more than white blurs, and the ocean is just a smear of endless blue, and every turn is sharp enough to nearly slam their body into the pilot seat, and Kyrios can even reconfigure itself exclusively to go even _faster..._

It all just feels _right._ Lockon's Dynames, Tieria's Virtue...neither of them can hope to keep up with him, no matter how much extra experience they have.

When Kyrios circles the island fast enough to make his blood sing in his ears, and Allelujah realizes that Hallelujah isn't the one moving the controls anymore, he can't help it. He turns the communications link back on just so the other two can hear him shout with joy.

He's still buzzing with it even when Miss Sumeragi calls and tells them all to land. He has to struggle not to leap out of the cockpit while he's still twenty feet in the air—the only reason he doesn't is because getting a broken leg after all that would be embarrassing beyond words.

Lockon walks over and gives him a thumbs up rather than his more typical clap on the shoulder—Allelujah's thankful that he's learned by now. "Pretty fancy flying."

Tieria walks over as well, but only gives him a long, calculating stare. "...Indeed," he says, finally. "Though a _true_ Gundam Meister would have shown off those skills a week ago."

After a second to think about it, Allelujah nods at him. "I appreciate your input, Tieria Erde." 

He kicks Tieria's shin as hard as he possibly can. 

Tieria gasps and collapses into the sand, and Lockon looks like he can't decide whether to laugh or shout. Allelujah gives him a nod, too, and walks back to base.

The next window he passes shows Hallelujah cackling like a hyena. 

Allelujah politely grins back. _Now we're even._

—

The door to his personal quarters slides shut. Allelujah lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

The flight tests and mock-battles have only ramped up now that Setsuna's joined Celestial Being. The last of the Gundam Meisters. They all know what that means, but none of them, not even Tieria, wants to say it out loud. Like just _talking_ about it is going to jinx it, somehow.

 _Although,_ Allelujah admits to himself, shaking his head. _I can't imagine Tieria Erde believes in jinxes enough to worry about them. He probably has some better reason._

At least in private, he can acknowledge the truth. When Setsuna's proven himself, then that'll be it. They'll be ready to launch the Gundams for the first armed interventions. All the world's eyes will turn to Celestial Being. 

It's what they signed up for, but that doesn't make it any less tense around here. Around _them._ Allelujah's glad to take whatever time he has to just be _alone._

Well. As alone as he can be, anyway.

"Allelujah," Hallelujah growls from the mirror on his wall. "That _kid_ thinks he's better than us."

Not for the first time, Allelujah thinks about getting rid of that mirror. Not for the first time, he knows he wouldn't be able to do it. "I doubt that Setsuna F. Seiei thinks he's better than _anyone._ "

"Oh, so now you're an expert at _understanding_ people?" Hallelujah laughs at him. "You can't even manage to understand _yourself,_ let alone anyone else!"

Allelujah tries to force down his flinch. Based on Hallelujah's sneer, it doesn't work. "...Fine," he mutters. "What's wrong with Setsuna?"

"He's always _staring,_ like he _knows_ something. Just because he's got some innate talent for piloting his little _toy,_ and..." Hallelujah trails off, giving him a long, critical glance. "...And you haven't told me I'm wrong yet. You already believe this."

Allelujah tightly laces his fingers together and says nothing. That's more than enough of an answer for Hallelujah, who grins like he's won. 

"You _are_ wrong," Allelujah whispers, far too late to convince either of them.

Hallelujah's grin doesn't change in the slightest. "Well, if we're _together_ on this, then it's settled!" he declares. "He thinks he _deserves_ to be a Gundam Meister, so we'll take that stupid scarf around his neck and show him what he _actually_ deserves—"

Allelujah's on his feet before he can even think about it. "You're _wrong,_ " he repeats, forcefully enough to make Hallelujah shut up. "And I won't let you hurt him."

Hallelujah's expression melts into a scowl. "Why are you so obsessed with _defending_ him?"

"Because I..." Allelujah struggles to find the right words for this. "...I think...Setsuna's a lot like me. Like us."

Hallelujah goes quiet.

"I don't mean that I think he's a Super Soldier." He shakes his head. "I can't imagine we wouldn't know about something like that. But...Setsuna looks like he's probably had to kill someone he loved. And I think, at the time, he didn't regret it, but he does now. Maybe it's even the reason he joined Celestial Being."

Hallelujah snarls at him. "But you don't _know_ any of that. You're just defending him because you're _projecting._ "

"You're right, I don't know," Allelujah admits, readily enough that Hallelujah's taken aback. "I _can't_ know. And I can't really understand people, or even myself."

He meets Hallelujah's eyes. "But I think I ought to recognize when someone's face looks like mine."

For one long, fragile moment, neither of them say a word.

Then Hallelujah barks out a laugh, and the moment shatters into pieces. "I can't _believe_ this. You actually _like_ this kid!" He shakes his head with fake pity. "Well, fine. If you like him, I'll like him, too. We'll all be _bestest friends._ Since he's supposedly _just like us_ and all. Hell, I'll even take a _bullet_ for him, how's that sound?"

Allelujah relaxes. _Crisis averted. You're welcome, Setsuna._ "If you take a bullet for Setsuna, you'll also be killing me, you know. That isn't fair."

Hallelujah makes a show of considering this. "Eh, I'll figure out a way to take a bullet for both of you. You won't be taking any credit for _my_ sacrificial glory. Mark my words."

"Your words will be marked," Allelujah vows, trying to sound solemn, "as long as you stick to them."

Hallelujah rolls his eyes. "Overdramatic bastard. Go away, I'm sick of looking at you."

Allelujah turns his back to the mirror and lies down in his bed. _Looks like I'm getting that alone time after all,_ he thinks, as his eyes drift shut. _What a blessing._

—

With Kyrios torn to useless shreds,

and a hand clutched against one broken eye, 

all Allelujah can think is

_I didn't mean it._

_I didn't mean it._

_I didn't mean it._

—

Three times, Allelujah wakes up just long enough to cringe away from the glare of harsh fluorescent lights, fail to move his limbs, mumble something incoherent. Usually, it sounds like a name. _Tieria, Setsuna, Lockon, Hallelujah, Marie..._

Three times, he gets the same response.

"He's conscious again. More sedative."

Even with his consciousness drugged away from him, he knows where this is going.

—

The fourth time, Allelujah wakes up and finds himself shackled to a chair. They've bound his limbs and muzzled his face. He can't say he's surprised. It makes an awful kind of sense. It's what some part of him has been afraid of ever since he escaped from the people who made him.

 _My worst nightmares always looked something like this,_ he remembers. _Getting caught again. Getting treated like an animal in a cage. This was my biggest fear._

Allelujah knows better now. Whatever your biggest fear is, the real world always has something bigger.

He shuts his eyes and tries to sleep while he's still allowed to do so.

—

The thirteenth time, Allelujah wakes up to see a man in a uniform walking towards him with an IV bag. Before the cell door closes, the lights outside illuminate the words _Nutritional Supplement._

He doesn't know what else he expected. They think he's a terrorist. They've said all that and more while they tried to torture information out of him. They're not going to give him _real food._ He tries to go back to sleep, ignoring the feeling that his stomach is clawing him open from the inside out.

The uniformed man, apparently, has other ideas. "You're...you're one of the Gundam pilots from Celestial Being," he whispers. "Aren't you."

Allelujah reluctantly cracks an eye open and glances at him. _Does he expect me to say something?_

The man sighs, looking like he's made a decision. "My name is...no, I guess it doesn't matter, you don't know me," he murmurs. Allelujah feels a sharp pinch as the IV is attached. "But I...I heard about what you guys were doing up there. And I don't...I don't _agree_ with you, but I don't think you deserve to be _tortured,_ either."

That, at least, deserves a little more of his attention, if only out of dull curiosity. The man sees him looking and shakes his head wildly.

"No, I can't—I can't break you out _now._ I'll get caught! We'd be _killed,_ " he hisses, as if he thinks Allelujah's actually responding to him. "Just...if they're still out there, I'm gonna figure out how to find your comrades and tell them you're here. So just...don't give up, okay?"

Allelujah stares at him with wide eyes.

 _Don't give up? Don't GIVE UP?!_ he thinks, hysterically. He feels like laughing. He feels like screaming. He feels like ripping this man's throat open. _THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY?! MY FRIENDS ARE_ DEAD _BECAUSE OF YOU!_

The man must think Allelujah's wide eyes mean that he's scared. His face softens before he turns back to the cell door. "I'll do what I can. Try to hang in there."

The door opens with a flash of blinding light, he hears the man bark some orders to the people outside his cell, and then one of them slams his door shut and returns him to darkness.

 _"Don't give up."_ The words dance mockingly in his head. _"Try to hang in there."_

_...Haven't we done enough, Hallelujah?_

The room is silent.

—

Allelujah never sees that man again. He gets used to that.

He spends four years in that detainment facility. He gets used to that, too.

He breaks out of the facility, returns home to Celestial Being, and resumes his position as a Gundam Meister, all in one fell swoop. Somehow, he even gets used to that.

He never gets used to the silence.

—

Allelujah stands at the door with his head spinning. He couldn't manage to get Marie to come with him _again,_ and Marie Parfacy is Soma Peries and Soma Peries is trying to _kill_ them all, and today he even _jumped_ when he saw Lockon pass him in the hallway, which he hasn't done in weeks because he should _know_ by now that _his_ Lockon is dead and this is just his twin, and he needs to do _something_ about these kinds of thoughts or he's going to end up breaking down when it actually matters.

Which is why he's here, more than anywhere else. He knocks twice, and the door slides open, and the only person he wants to see stares up at him. Allelujah is struck, like he always is, by how much closer they are in height than they used to be.

"...Allelujah Haptism," Setsuna greets.

"Setsuna F. Seiei," Allelujah replies. He hesitates, because even with all his rationalizations, this still feels like a terrible idea. "...Can I come in?"

Setsuna nods and steps aside. Allelujah walks in and sits carefully on the edge of Setsuna's bed. He's surprised by how much his body is telling him that he doesn't want to do this. _Old habits die hard._

Setsuna closes the door and looks at him patiently. Allelujah takes a deep breath. "You know that I've been trying to rescue Marie Parfacy," he begins, bluntly. That's the nice thing about talking to Setsuna—he never has to soften his words. "And that, currently, she's been pushed aside by her 'other self', Soma Peries."

Setsuna nods. "The 'other self' created by her conditioning as a Super Soldier."

"Yes," Allelujah says. Part of him wishes he had more time to explain that, but the rest of him knows that he's only thinking that way because he wants to stall. "The reason I knew that right away is...that I had an 'other self', too." He _hates_ how shaky his hands are. "I'm not sure anyone ever told you. Miss Sumeragi might be the only one who knew."

He jolts when he feels Setsuna sitting down next to him, listening to him with a silent, calm stare, waiting for him to continue. _Always so patient._ "He did...terrible things," Allelujah admits, after too much hesitation. "Violent things. He killed a lot of people. He'd laugh when he did it, too. He thought it was _fun,_ he—"

His hands are clenched in his lap, tight enough to hurt. He slowly flattens them onto his legs. "He helped me learn how to fly Kyrios," he whispers. "It was taking too long for me to learn how to operate it. He helped me get to the point where it was all just instinct. Where it all _clicked._ "

"I remember getting there with Exia," Setsuna murmurs, looking almost wistful. Allelujah doesn't think he's ever seen that expression on his face. Maybe that explains what he says next.

"He liked you, Setsuna," Allelujah tells him, finding that he's faintly smiling. "It didn't take him long to like you. It took longer with Lockon..." He trails off, fighting through the sharp stab of pain that thinking about Lockon always gives him. "...and even longer with Tieria. And to be honest, I _still_ don't know if he ever got much better than giving Tieria a kind of begrudging respect. But as much as he liked anybody...he liked you."

Setsuna tilts his head a little, absorbing that. "What happened to him?"

"He..." Allelujah lets out a miserable chuckle, looking away. "He took a bullet for me."

Setsuna is silent for a long time. When he does speak, it's not any of the interrogations or condemnations Allelujah was almost expecting. "...What was his name?"

It still hurts to say, but Allelujah says it. "Hallelujah."

"Hallelujah...Haptism." Setsuna pronounces it slowly and carefully. With anyone else, that might've been mockery—with Setsuna, Allelujah knows he's just committing it to memory. It gives him a feeling in his chest like a wound being soothed.

"...I didn't tell you about him to atone for his sins, or celebrate the good he did," Allelujah tells him. "I just need someone else to know."

Setsuna's eyes sharpen. "In case you die in combat?"

Allelujah thinks about that, but in the end, he has to shake his head. "No. At least, not just that." He runs a hand gently through his bangs. "...Hallelujah was a part of me, and he was a person, too. He deserves to be remembered that way."

Setsuna says nothing, and after a minute, Allelujah turns to stare out the window in silence. There's not much to stare at. The Ptolemy II sits in such a dark part of the ocean that it's hard to tell they ever left space at all.

He feels a shift in the bed. When he turns, Setsuna is staring out the same window, one hand raised in a salute. "I won't forget you, Hallelujah Haptism."

If Allelujah has to delay his own salute because he needs to scrub the tears out of his eyes, neither of them see the need to mention it. 

_Hey, Hallelujah._ _I think Setsuna might've liked you, too._

—

In a final battle full of incredible, bloody miracles, Allelujah didn't really have the time to fully appreciate the one that Setsuna had intended for _him._

Now, in the beginnings of the future they fought and killed and _died_ to build, Allelujah's found he has time for a lot of things. He didn't get the reintroduction he wanted, so he'll just have to make one for himself.

Without Setsuna and a field of particles bright enough to outshine the stars, he doesn't know if this is even possible. He _wants_ it, more than almost anything, and he can feel old doubts starting to crawl through him when he thinks like that. _This isn't going to work,_ they tell him. _You never get what you want just because you want it._

He feels a hand squeeze his shoulder, and turns to see Marie's gentle smile. After a second, Allelujah smiles back. He should know by now. Wanting something can't make it happen by itself, but it's always the first step in changing the future. If this doesn't work, he won't be alone in finding a way to _make_ it work.

He nods to Marie, and she lets go of his shoulder and steps out of the room. The door closes behind her, and then all that's left is Allelujah, softly illuminated by a sunset through the window.

Allelujah braces himself, takes a breath, and finds his reflection in the glass.

He sees his hair, threatening to fall in front of his eyes like it always is.

He sees his face, shining with determination and hope.

He sees mismatched eyes, gold and grey, staring back at him.

And then,

slowly, slowly,

he sees the grey eye close 

as his reflection winks.

—

He thinks he understands why Marie chose to give them this name.

When Allelujah speaks, it sounds like an answered prayer.

" _Hallelujah._ "


End file.
